A holiday gift for you...

‘Tis the ‘holiday season’ and I want to gift you acceptance, appreciation, and love.

It’s not always easy to access acceptance, appreciation, and love. And though it may seem strange, I’m going to try to help you access these illusive qualities by talking about death and grief. I realize this does not sound like a fun gift! Stick with me, though - I promise, this turns out well!

If you have experienced loss - the death of a person, a pet, a dream, hope - you may feel the loss as a heavy unspoken elephant in the room of your emotional heart. Or, you may know someone who feels this way.

Instead of ignoring the elephant, I invite you to talk about it.

First, let’s name the elephant. The elephant is death. Now, let’s try to alleviate a couple of fears you may be having about talking about death.

For many, there’s an unspoken concern that talking about death and loss to someone who’s grieving will make them sad. I’m here to assure you that they’re already sad. Talking (out loud) about what or who is missing lets them know you care about them, and care about what’s dear to their heart - the thing/ person who is missing.

There’s also an unspoken superstition that talking about death means you’re thinking about dying, which in turn means you will die - soon. Talking about death does not make it happen. Let’s heal that unspoken fear right now. Say out loud: Talking about death will not cause me (or you) to die. Try it.

We’re talking about talking about the elephant. This is a good first step to talking about the actual elephant.

Talking about grief and death allows us to figure out how to navigate walking around the elephant, snuggling up with the elephant - accepting the elephant as part of what’s in the room.

Talking about death normalizes death.

Also, taking about death doesn’t mean we’re having a negative or depressing conversation. Conversely, it has the opposite effect. Talking about death helps us feel more alive, connected and grateful.

Try this:

Think of yourself as already dead - right now. Think of the implications of being deceased. Think of who is left behind, how they feel, how they are affected. Think of what you will no longer be able to do, feel, see, hear, taste, smell, express. Think of what you’ll miss. Close your eyes and try this now.

Then, consider… Do you feel more alive after thinking about death?

Talking about death has the same effect as thinking about death.

Now, try this:

Think about the people around you as already dead. Walk around for the rest of the day - and tomorrow - considering everyone you see will not exist. See your family, friends, neighbors, community members, the person at the checkout - as already gone. Feel it. Really feel it. You can add aspects of Nature, too - trees, air, water, plants, animals.

Then, consider… Do you appreciate people (and Nature) more (now that you’ve thought about them dead)?

Talking openly about death helps us realize how much those in our lives (and Nature) mean(s) to us.

Birth and death are the bookends of life. Birth and death highlight life. Without birth there is no life. Without death, there is no life.  

Just as talking about death normalizes death and highlights life, talking about grief normalizes grief and highlights love. Grief is a part of being human, of being alive, of missing the people & things in our life that are no longer there- of having loved and of loving still. Love is the underpinning of feeling loss, disappointment, and missing what is not here.  Grief highlights love.

So, ‘though this ‘joyful’ season may not feel all joyful, consider that what you’re feeling is all love.  

May we appreciate life: the planet, nature, air, water, animals, trees...

May we accept all aspects of death and grief as sacred teachers and reminders to love.

May we know love.