Mother's Day

‘Mother's Day’ is a complicated, under-rated, and grossly under-utilized ‘holiday’.

A (childless) woman has a child and - poof - just like that, she’s a mother. She is not expected to have training. She doesn’t need to pass a test. She doesn’t need a degree for this job. She doesn’t need yearly continuing education credits as her child grows. She will never be handed a guide-book; each child does not come with a manual. There is no app to support her when she doesn’t know what to do. She’ll have to wing it the whole way. every day. for every child. for their whole life. often, on her own. for the rest of her life.

When a woman has a child, she’s not automatically transformed into ‘Joan Cleaver’. Joan Cleaver was a character in a TV show. Joan Cleaver was calm, and always said the right thing. Joan Cleaver was the archetypal mother figure. Joan Cleaver wasn’t real. Your mother is/ was real. Your mother is/ was an imperfect human. Your mother may be/ have been extremely imperfect - abusively so, even.

My mother was a narcissist. That was crazy-making confusing, especially for an empath like myself. Your mother may or may not be alive to help you heal the wounds they created with their bad-parenting-moments. When she was alive, my mother wasn’t good at helping me heal my wounds. As weird or cruel as this may sound, she’s better at it now that she’s deceased. It’s complicated.

Having a child makes a woman a mother. Therefore, ‘Mother’s Day’ (as it is currently celebrated) is not really about the ‘Mother’ - it’s about the child who gave her that title.

Just because a child made you a ‘mother’, doesn’t make that child ‘Beaver’. Beaver was June Cleaver’s son. Beaver made plenty of mistakes, yet, in the end, he listened to his mother - the wise and loving June Cleaver. And, again, both June and Beaver Cleaver were characters. Your child, however, is not a character. Your child is a real, imperfect human. Your child may throw fits and say “I hate you” and bite your leg. I did. I threw fits, and said “I hate you”, and bit my mom’s leg. And yet, she was my mom, and I loved her. It’s complicated.

Your child may or may not be alive. My daughter isn’t. That makes days like ‘Mother’s Day’ extremely painful. I miss her. I miss that, no matter what happened the rest of the year, she always pulled through on that one day to tell me “I love you, Mommy”. I miss hearing her say that.

And then there are complications with trans gender identity. And multiple mothers. I do not have a transgender parent, so I can’t speak to that. There have been a host of ‘mother’ figures in my life, though, like my ex-husband’s mom, Stella. Stella was the quintessential mother figure. Walking into Stella’s home for holidays was like walking into a Norman Rockwell painting. Stella’s style of mothering was as close to June Cleaver as you could get - though Stella was real. Stella loved me like I’d never been loved by a mom before. And then, I lost her - with the divorce. Since then, holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas and… Mother’s Day… have felt… barren.

There are clearly a few reasons why ‘Mother’s Day’ feels… complicated.

There’s something else about this holiday, though, that’s deeply… uncomfortable. It’s been an elusive tickle that I can’t brush away, and it’s been there, every Mother’s Day, for my entire adult life. It’s something I haven’t been able to put my finger on, though I think my finger is landing on what it is as I write.

I read some tidbits about the history of Mother’s Day, today. I’m beginning to understand what the tickle has been - a sense that ‘Mother’s Day’ is under-rated - under…employed*.

*[Note: I wrote ‘under-utilized’, and second-guessed my choice of wording - thinking ‘utilized’ isn’t strong enough. I looked up synonyms for ‘utilized’. As you read this list, notice a sense of strengthening as you round the end: “make use of · put to use · use · employ · avail oneself of · have recourse to · resort to · look to · bring into service · press into service · take advantage of · exploit · milk · tap · turn to account · bring into play · bring into effective action · deploy”. I was wrong to second-guess my word choice. Under-utilized conveys exactly what I’m trying to say.] 

In the U.S.A., Mothers' Day, then called: Mothers' Work Days began in 1858, when (a mother) Ann Reeves Jarvis advocated for improving sanitation in her town. Years later, during the Civil War, Ann Reeves Jarvis’ bipartisan colors shone through, when she extended the purpose of Mothers' Work Days to improve sanitary conditions for both the North and South. After the Civil War, Ann Reeves Jarvis deepened what I would call her civic convictions for the betterment of humans by working to establish reconciliation between the divided north and south. Meanwhile, Anne Reeves Jarvis’ daughter, Anna Jarvis, was growing up.

When Ann Reeves Jarvis died in 1905, her daughter, Anna Jarvis (said to be “the power behind the official establishment of Mother’s Day”) dedicated her life to her mother's project. Anna Jarvis worked full-time writing letters to politicians, clergy members, business leaders, women's clubs - anyone influential - to establish a mother's day to honor mothers, living and dead.

In 1907, Anna Jarvis passed out 500 white carnations to each mother at her mother's church. On May 10, 1908, that same church honored Anna’s request for a Sunday service honoring mothers. That same year, John Wanamaker, a Philadelphia merchant, joined Anna’s campaign for Mother's Day - and - the first bill was presented in the U.S. Senate proposing the establishment of Mother's Day, by Nebraska Senator Elmer Burkett. The proposal was shot down.

By 1909, however, Mother's Day services were held in 46 states plus Canada and Mexico, and in 1912, West Virginia became the first state to adopt an official Mother's Day. Finally, in 1914, the U.S. Congress passed a Joint Resolution (with President Woodrow Wilson’s signature), establishing ‘Mother's Day’.

Here’s the kicker, though - the underlying, uncomfortable tickle that has bothered me every ‘Mother’s Day’…

The official resolution establishing ‘Mother’s Day’ emphasized women's role in the family. It had nothing to do with women (who were mothers) as activists in the public arena. And, of course, the holiday was exploited for retail gain. The holiday, as it stands, feels like a fluffy pat on the head. I’m underwhelmed by the expectation that this ‘holiday’ is only about receiving a phone call, card, flowers and gifts that say “Happy Mother’s Day”.  It can be so much more!

I’m not underestimating the importance of being a mother or of family, here. I had a mother. I am a mother. I have at least a couple of families. It’s all complicated, challenging, precious, and ultimately, what life is about. I’m also not saying moms don’t need one day to hear “thank you” and “I love you”. We desperately do.

What I’m saying is: when a woman becomes a mother, her child(ren) are so important to her, the future becomes significant. She becomes more present, engaged, active - willing to fight (with every ounce of energy she has) to ensure a healthy and sustainable future for them. Becoming a mom can be the fast track to a woman unleashing her Powerhouse Self. Mom’s can lift fallen trees when their children are caught underneath them. Mom’s can will a flipping car to avoid hitting the ground on the side of the car where their child is strapped in. My mom told me she did that, and I believe her. My side of the car didn’t have a scratch on it. When it comes to the safety of their children, Mom’s have super powers.

What I want for this Mother’s Day is for all women (and those who support us) to begin to unite - to honor and use our passion and compassion together - to become a force-of-nature superpower-group - who create changes toward a sustainable, equitable, loving and peaceful future for our children’s children’s children.

‘Mother’s Day’ is complicated. I can’t change that. I just don’t want it to be under-rated or under-utilized. We can make this day mean something more.

Take a breath. Let it go. Take another breath and know that this is your life - your time. Take time this Mother’s Day to unleash your power. Do a few rounds of Lion’s Breath roaring - stick out your tongue and roar. Go ahead - do it!

Now take time to recognize your allies. List each of them in your mind. Picture each one. Feel their acceptance and reverence for you exactly as you are. Picture every one of your allies in a group. Picture your group as united. If you can picture the reality you most want to create, it’s more likely that you will create it. Now share your vision with your allies. When your allies begin to do the same exercise - share the same vision - we’ve started a powerful movement.

With enough of us, joining our super powers in unison - together, we can change the world. We can stop war. We can learn to communicate non-violently. We can learn to open our hearts and follow our Higher Calling and Purpose. We can begin to create the world we want our future ancestors to live together in.

In this way, knowing the significance of what we’re doing with our ‘mother powers’, we can all enjoy a ‘Happy Mothers’ Day’!